Top Ten Tips for Parents of Teens
- Separation is a natural phase. If you're experiencing problems, conflicts, challenges or frustrations in parenting your adolescent, remember that many of the changes that you see in their attitudes and behaviors are a product of their biological and psychological drives to separate from you and to become their own person.
- There's not necessarily anything wrong with you, your teen or your parenting. These changes and conflicts are happening right on schedule. This separation must happen, no matter how loving, wise and caring a parent you've been, so that your adolescent can become an independent, autonomous individual.
- It's not personal, it's developmental. If you feel hurt or resentful when your child withdraws or attacks, remember that their behaviors are usually all about their development, and not at all about your parental skills.
- They really don't hate you. Teenager's self-doubt and self-hatred may come out looking like anger and hatred of you. If your child worries that they will always be dependent on you, they may cover over that fear with defiant acts, snarling complaints, withering criticism, and false bravado. This may be their vulnerability showing.
- Your teen's brain is different from yours. New research shows that their brain's wiring is still developing. This may account for some of the impulsiveness, risk-taking, defiance, aggression and alcohol/drug and sexual experimentation that can sometimes characterize adolescence.
- What you resist persists. If you think you can control your child, or prevent their mistakes, you're probably deceiving yourself. Your efforts to control and protect may backfire and sabotage their growth. Each push may provoke a stronger push back. It's vital to remember that their struggles and errors help prepare them for independence.
- The great law of growth is to try, fail, adjust and try again. How else does a child learn to walk? How else does a teenager learn to stand on their own, to create their own place in the world? How else are you learning how to be the best parent you can be? Trust that your parenting has been “good enough”, and let them learn from their mistakes.
- Pick your battles selectively. You may disagree with many of your teen's choices, but you can't successfully challenge every one. Prioritize those handful of issues that matter most to you — perhaps those relating to their safety, future options, or the honesty and respect you need from them.
- Prepare your teen for responsible decision making. Give them reasonable choices within your framework when you cannot give them total freedom. Your teen may respect your rules more if you explain why they're rules. Don't assume they can read your mind. On other “negotiable” issues, become more willing to “let go and let them”.
- Your child is listening to you. It only appears that their minds are closed. Never stop being yourself, or modeling your values. Research shows that teens are much less likely to smoke, use alcohol or drugs, or experiment with sex, if they know that their parents disapprove. Supportive parental relationships work much better than lecturing what “to do” or “not to do”. Let them know what you believe, want, expect and why. It will make a difference!
