Parenting Teens Through Their Dance of Independence
by Glenn Goldberg, J.D., R.C.
Adolescent Specialist & Parent Coach
Your adolescent is growing and transforming — just as the caterpillar breaks out of their cocoon to become the butterfly. New changes in their attitudes, behaviors and family roles may be affecting your relationship in new and perplexing ways. Some of these may be positive and exciting. Others may be disturbing and difficult, confusing and frustrating. But guess what? This is the nature of adolescence.
Now here's the good news: there's not necessarily anything wrong with you, your parenting or your child. What you're experiencing is a product of your teen's irresistible biological drive and psychological imperative to separate from you and become their own person, with their own thoughts, perceptions, preferences and dreams. This process of separation and individuation is as old as nature, and as inevitable as the rising sun. Only the cultural context and the details are different.
Think about your current parental experience in terms of a metaphor. You are now engaged in a challenging, sometimes painful, often exhausting, and occasionally wild and exhilarating dance of independence with your teen. Each of you struggling to lead, and each of you determined not to be led. Each of you confused and anxious about the next step. Sometimes in sync, often not.
Does it seem to you that, almost overnight, your sweet, loving, happy and compliant child has mutated into an angry, rebellious, nasty and defiant creature you can hardly recognize -- prone to reckless and risky behaviors, foolish choices and turbulent mood swings? Do these characterizations apply, more or less, to your teen's adolescent behaviors? Do you ever want to demand, “Who are you and what have you done with my child?” If so, you're not alone in your feelings. This is adolescence.
These changes are happening on schedule, just as and when they must. This separation is something that must happen, no matter how loving, wise and caring a parent you have been. It's a vital part of their growing up to become an independent, autonomous individual who can eventually leave your nest and someday build their own. Welcome to the “Dance of Independence...”
The accumulated experience and wisdom of generations upon generations of parents — and perhaps your own experience as an adolescent — suggests that resisting the changes and trying to control or change your teenager may be fruitless. Your efforts to control can backfire and probably will fail. Your intentions to protect your teen can sabotage their transition. A parent's well-intentioned attempts to use their power and authority to lead or push their teen in any particular direction will often prove to be disastrously counterproductive. Each of your pushes may provoke a stronger push back from an adolescent desperate to test your limits and feel some power in their life. What you resist persists.
The Law of Growth is to try, fail, learn, adjust and try again. How else does a child learn to walk? How else does a teenager learn to stand on their own and create their own place in the world? Are you now willing to trust that you've done a good enough job as a parent? Are you willing to trust them to make their own mistakes, to learn their own lessons? Are you ready to let go and let them?
How is parenting a teenager like a dance? When you step towards your partner, they may take a step back to elude your grasp. Both pursuits may lead you to question your skills. Sometimes as dance partners, you will embrace and collaborate to whirl gracefully around the floor in a seamless waltz. Other times it feels more like a tango where one partner stalks the other, or like a jitterbug where one partner wildly throws the other with reckless abandon. Sometimes you're dancing to the same beat, and sometimes your timing is off and your movements are jerky. Some steps may be harder to learn than others. You may often end up improvising. When a dance is particularly difficult, you will stumble and step on toes. And that's alright, because that's how you'll learn. The comforting news is that if you understand the dynamics of your child's adolescent transitions, and employ a positive attitude with persistence and practice, you will learn the steps and master the dance together. Then you'll be able to relax, regain your sense of humor and confidence, and enjoy parenting again.
By the way, notice if you're willing to give yourself the same opportunity you give your child to learn and grow by trying, failing, and adjusting. To be a parent is to make lots of mistakes. You can let your mistakes devastate and immobilize you, or you can learn from them. Choose to learn from them.
